John Jos. Miller’s CREATURE FEATURES

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BIKINI VAMPIRE BABES

An independent film shot entirely in Oklahoma (which, really, should have been emblazoned on the DVD box; excellent selling point), directed, produced, and co-written by Ted West, is worthwhile viewing, as long as you understand what it’s not. It’s not a horror film, so don’t expect gallons of blood and a cast of creeped-out characters dripping with oozy theatrical make-up. It’s also not porn, so don’t expect anything beyond a bevy of bikini-clad women (vampires and not-vampires) looking, I must say, pretty hot in their ubiquitous garment of choice.

What it is is a horror-spoof. Look at it as a Mexican Masked Wrestler movie, except the characters wear bikinis instead of masks. The film’s tag-line “Just because we’re undead doesn’t mean we don’t have to make a living,” kind of sums of both the film’s strengths and weaknesses. Great line. But “The undead have to make a living, too,” (or something similar) would be less meandering and have more punch, which BVB could have used.

The Good: Nice cinematography. The camera work is professional to excellent. Nothing tricky, or artsy, except the one lingering closeup where the tomato juice added to one of the ubiquitous Bloody Marys (the drink plays a major role in the plot, but I won’t say what because it’ll spoil a good bit) swirls slowly around the glass like blood in the water after a shark attack. Nice. Really nice soundtrack. There’s a couple of songs in there (eg, “There’s A Demon In My Head”) that kicked. Could have used a few more by the same guys. Decent script with some nice funny bits, which, again, I won’t spoil here. Could have used more punch, but that may be a factor of the editing. The film lags in places, but, really, you can’t lose interest entirely because there’s plenty of babes in bikinis just around the corner. And, finally, of course, the bikini babes, Lizette (the vamp from Puerto Rico; although at one point when someone waves garlic in her face she says, “Garlic? I lived in Italy for 150 years!), Bree (her recruit), and the vampire-hunter babe who can stand up to them in all senses.

The Bad: As said above, it did lag at times and could have used a bit more punch in places. The hot oil wrestling scene should have been the movie’s climactic point. Instead, it was just, eh, there, and was hurried through with no sense of the drama inherent in bikini-clad babes wrestling in hot (I’m guessing warm, actually) oil. Although Bree was clearly the second fiddle she was my favorite in the movie (no disrespect to Lizette), but her Justin Beiber hair-do did her no justice, and that damn tat on her upper thigh and hip drove me crazy. What the hell was it? Some green, flowery thing? Instead of avoiding it, they should have focused on it for a few moments, if only to ease our minds.

The Ugly: Nothing, really. This was pretty much a good natured movie, with no despicable characters (not even the vampires; Bree’s boyfriend/manager is the closest thing to a villain in the piece). After all, as Lizette said, the undead have to make a living, too, and tooling around Oklahoma to partake in bikini contests is a pretty innocuous way of doing it.

So as not to be entirely sexist here, this is Lizette’s minion.  His name is Minion, and he makes a mean Bloody Mary.

Apparently, they’re still working on a distribution deal, but you can get a copy at www.bikinivampirebabes.com. It’s more than worth the look if you’re in the mood for a light-hearted vampire spoof and lots of good-looking women in bikinis.

In fact, I have an extra copy, and it’s yours if you can answer one simple question. Cheese Magnet’s very own Scott Phillips has made two independent films of his own. Name one of them.

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