John Jos. Miller’s CREATURE FEATURE

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POT-SMOKING HIPPIES CRUSH TEXAS LAW ENFORCEMENT

In a horrific beat down the likes of which has not been seen since the days of the Alamo, a scruffy band of pot-smoking hippies from the city by the Gay beat the living crap out of the boys of the No Star state and sent them home to bed without either dinner or champaign cocktail in the eyes chaser.

Led by assorted characters like a twelve year old pitcher called The Freak, a three hundred pound third baseman known as the Kung Fu Panda, and jaded rock star Brain Wilson performing in disguise under an obvious fake beard, the S. F. (which, because of the utter unlikelihood of this event, one can only assume stands for “Science Fiction”) GiANTS spanked the Texas Rangers four games to one, cruelly teasing the well-scrubbed cowboys by letting them win the third game of the set so they thought they actually had a chance in this rodeo before ruthlessly clamping down and taking the final two contests in the RangerOvers home corral before a stunned George Bush and an entire state already on suicide watch because of the Cowboys’ (the so-called football team that shares the city, state, and deep shame of the Ranglers) pathetic 1-5 start in what was bruited about as their march to the Super Bowl. (No toilet bowl jokes allowed; much too obvious.)

The kindly hippies of San Francisco, in a unparalleled gesture of good will and supreme sportsmanship, had even left their highest paid player off their play-off roster (see: Zito, Barry, whose name and pitching arm both closely resembled a species of well-cooked pasta). It mattered not. In the final analysis they dominated Texus in all aspects of the game, including pitching, hitting, and hirsuteness.

With the baseball and football season officially over, Texas fans now have only the antics of the Mavericks and Stars to look forward to. Good luck with that.

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