What could be wilder than spending a Saturday afternoon with a Swedish sexploitation movie, right? Well, after watching Dagmar’s Hot Pants Inc. (a.k.a. Dagmar and Co. and Dagmar’s Heta Troser), I’d say mowing the lawn, brushing one’s teeth, or enjoying a nice bowl of oatmeal would place higher on the list.
The movie opens with a moving theme song (“You say love, I say love, then you go away”), then cuts to a bedroom, where the camera eerily dollies in on Dagmar (Diana Kjaer) lying in bed staring blankly at the ceiling while a teddy bear sits upright next her, as if they’ve just had some sort of uncomfortable sexual experience. I swear, this shot alone had me feeling like I was watching Beyond the Door. Fortunately, Dagmar grins big, smooches the bear, then hops out of bed and peels off her nightie to deliver the groceries right out of the gate.
Dagmar’s phone rings more often than the T-Mobile Call Center’s, and we soon learn that she’s an expert in the art of prostitution. We also quickly realize that the sets in this movie make Bride of the Monster seem wildly ostentatious. Apparently Dagmar’s got some kind of scheme a-brewin’, because she talks to her pal, fellow prostitute Vivi, about an important meeting later that day (and during this conversation, Vivi is in the midst of tending to a customer’s needs, if you know what I mean). Dagmar also gets a call from her musician brother, but that bit of business doesn’t really pay off in any meaningful way, other than musician = guy who needs money.
Dagmar’s got a pressing doctor appointment but she gets a call from an American businessman (instantly-recognizable character actor Robert Strauss) who just arrived in Copenhagen (Dagmar is actually a Swedish/Danish co-production) and wants to partake of Dag’s sweet action. She allows him to come over (and by the way, apparently apartment doors in Copenhagen all open outwards), but gives him a strict deadline. The guy wastes a lot of his valuable gettin’-it-on time in carefully folding his socks and pants, but eventually gets with the program. He has a little difficulty, however, but Dagmar is such a master of her craft that she’s able to save the day, and we’re treated to some truly freaky sex faces courtesy of the old businessman.
After they wrap it up, the businessman reveals that he wants to make an honest woman of Dagmar (“I dig you so much I’d even give up the hardware business”) and gives her a ring. Dag tries to beg off (“I’m moody and sometimes bitchy”) but finally agrees to think it over and give the guy an answer the next day.
After the guy leaves, Dagmar gets a call from another hooker, the funkily-bewigged Ingrid, who’s got a Japanese client on his way and the dude is bringing a friend, so she’d like Dag to bat cleanup. When Dagmar says she’s got things to tend to, Ingrid goes off like a bomb, telling Dagmar she thought she was a friend but she’s “just like everybody else.” Dagmar tries to find another whore to help Ingrid out but they’re all busy. Dagmar phones Vivi again, and this time we see a stack of money on Vivi’s dresser and during the conversation she plucks a gray pubic hair.
At the doctor’s office, the doc tries to get it on with Dagmar, but she’s not having any of it. She asks him to fill out a form (all part of her mysterious scheme), which he happily does, handing it to her and saying “All properly filled out — just like you are.”
From there, Dagmar meets with a businessman in his office, a fellow she’s obviously had some dealings with previously. She starts to get flirty with him but he gives her the brush-off, then points to his awkward teenage son sitting nearby. This young lad’s name happens to be Gunnar Hansen, which is probably not that strange given the environment but was the most entertaining thing about the movie. Gunnar trips and falls, then whines about needing glasses. His dad says “You need a woman!” Gunnar considers, then asks “You really think that’ll help my balance, papa?” Mr. Hansen leaves Dagmar with his son and in an unsettling scene, she seduces him while dad peeps through the keyhole.
When Dagmar returns home, she starts pulling cash out of everything in the house, including toilet paper rolls and even the skivad bacon. This gal’s got something up her sleeve, that’s for sure, and we eventually learn that she’s sub-leasing her apartment to Vivi and is planning to flee the country, and her pimp.
After Dagmar and Vivi sign the paperwork, Dagmar heads to Ingrid’s place to help her out with those two Japanese fellows. One of them eyeballs Dag and says “She’s built like a brick pagoda!” The girls peel down to their skivvies and we can readily see that Ingrid keeps a spare wig in her underpants.
Everybody dances for awhile and then the sexcapades begin. While Dagmar is getting it on, she fantasizes about all the stuff she’s gonna buy later — shoes, a dress, and a mustard-slathered hot dog.
The action is interrupted as another of Ingrid’s clients pounds on the door, a Russian fellow by the name of Igor Smirnov, who believes Ingrid stole his rubles. Apparently there’s a danger he could be sent to Siberia, and he refuses to leave without his money. Fortunately, one of the Japanese guys is a Karate master and he makes short work of the Russkie.
This all sounds reasonably entertaining but trust me, watching Dagmar’s Hot Pants Inc, is a lot like spending an afternoon at the DMV, despite all the nudity on display. For one thing, the flick is shot with slightly less kinetic energy than the average episode of The Lucy Show, and is about as arousing. It doesn’t help that after 80 minutes of zany prostitution hijinks, the movie takes a turn for the dark that had me thinking it was gonna go out like Looking For Mr. Goodbar, but then it mood-swings into a hooker-with-a-heart-of gold happy ending. As easy on the eyes as Diana Kjaer and the other girls are, I can’t even recommend this thing for the bare tits, unless you have no other options.
(The trailer below is almost certainly NSFW, by the way).
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