(I’m trying to deliver a treatment on time for a screenwriting assignment, so to keep the cheese flowing, here’s an excerpt from my book, Unsafe On Any Screen).
I’m a lunatic for Italian movies, but I had never heard of this flick when I stumbled across it on the DVD rack at Best Buy. It looked so fruity that I was forced to purchase it immediately (I’m sure you understand) and share my subsequent love for its delicate stench with the world.
Directed by “Al Passeri” (Massimiliano Cerchi), Creatures from the Abyss (a.k.a. Plankton, a.k.a. Piranha 4) opens as a group of sort-of teenagers drag an inflatable motorboat down to the sea, hoping to speed across the waves in search of hijinks and boo-tay. Now, it may be the result of the atrocious (yet quite entertaining) dubbing, but this gaggle of morons are even more annoying than the plethora of bastards that pass for “characters” in Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (a feat I never would’ve thought possible). There’s the classic Big-Boobed Trampy Girl; Dumbass Bobby, who may be a virgin; Guy With Glasses (the brains of the group, of course); the Sweet-Natured Good Girl (Glasses-Guy’s squeeze); and Kind-Of Slutty Girl — and do they love to party!
Sadly, their party plans get thrown a huge monkeywrench, since Bobby — while pissed off because the others tossed a net over his head — went and left the extra gas for the motorboat back on the beach. Once night falls, our heroes find themselves adrift in a storm, and the squabbling begins in earnest. Meanwhile, something with a wiggly tongue is crawling around somewhere, apparently causing someone to scream. Back on the boat, Kind-Of Slutty Girl gets her oar stuck in a floating corpse, which results in Sweet-Natured Good Girl slapping Big-Boobed Trampy Girl, who is freaking the hell out.
Soon, our gang of dorks stumble across a ship sporting the words “Oceanographic Research Institute” (and you know what that means) across the bow. When no one answers their calls for help, they climb aboard, finding no sign of a crew, but plenty of bizarre mad scientist equipment, including numerous tanks full of weird-looking fish — one of which seems to have escaped. Since he’s the wacky member of the gang, this of course inspires Dumbass Bobby to try and scare the girls. Kind-Of Slutty Girl, appalled by the fish, says “They frighten me — they have an evil expression.”
The gang continue to explore the ship (which appears to have been completely wallpapered with aluminum foil), finding a funky disco room (where Dumbass Bobby says “Hey, check out that unit!”) with full bar and kitchen. Exploring further, they discover the crew’s swingin’ cabins, complete with ceiling-panel lights, giant telephones, and a truly terrifying wall plaque featuring a talking, blinking cyclopean fish-thing with full red lips that tells the time. I swear I’m not making this up.
We return for an instant to the wiggly-tongued beastie and a close-up of some fellow’s eyes, then it’s back to our heroes, who are getting cleaned up — which means Big-Boobed Trampy Girl and Kind-Of Slutty Girl have their tops off, and, unfortunately, Dumbass Bobby is clad only in a speedo (“It’s party time,” Bobby says). Trampy Girl hefts her naked boobs and says “I think it’s time to buy a new bra.” Becoming pensive, Kind-Of Slutty Girl (while still topless) wonders if the corpse in the water could’ve been a member of the ship’s crew. “He could’ve been the owner of these shoes,” Sweet-Natured Good Girl replies, holding up a pair of sneakers.
After pigging out on some fish they find in the kitchen, the gang discover a stinky, drooling scientist cowering in what I can only describe as the ship’s basement. That night, Kind-Of Slutty Girl pukes up some nasty little sea life, and we’re off and running. I don’t wanna give away too many of the crappily glorious moments Creatures delivers, but I think it goes without saying that before too long, hideous mutant fish thingies are terrorizing our heroes, and the goodness never stops — especially when a sex scene goes horribly awry.
Creatures from the Abyss is one of the goofiest pieces of cheese ever committed to celluloid, featuring plenty of nudity, weird monsters, and silly dialogue. Perfect fodder for a crappy movie fest with a bunch of pals (and a twelve-pack or two).
For more funky movie reviews, check out my book Unsafe On Any Screen:
And you might dig my new novel, Squirrel Eyes (a story of lust, movies and more):
Not to mention my collection of short stories, Tales of Misery and Imagination: